Personal Truths

Well isn’t this a conflict of interests.

On the one hand, I have been meaning to update this for quite some time, but on the other, this is really bad timing. I should be in bed, asleep. I know I should be. I’m procrastinating.

“These aren’t really secrets; I have no secrets from you. So these are just some Personal Truths I’m putting out there. Some of them it’s important that I confront: Personal Issues. Others it’s just important that I constantly remind myself of: Personal Goals. And like everything else personal to me, I want to share them with you:

I’m SCARED of being all I could be. I know you over-estimate me, and you know that I love that, but the door of Trying leads to Failure. And I like this belief of my “unlimited potential”.

I don’t even know what it is that I want. I HATE the career-for-life concept. And desk jobs terrify me. I just want to LIVE, and I know that in Reality-land you have to work to live, but I think I’m far too laidback in spirit to conform to that lifestyle.

I may be stuck in this backpacking, aid-working, “carefree” budget-living mindset for life, or maybe it is just my naïve idealistic youth phase. All I know for sure right now is that it EXCITES me! There’s just so much out there I’ve yet to EXPERIENCE, so much I’d love to EXPLORE.

I know I have dangerously low self-confidence. I know I have extreme, crippling fears of abandonment and inadequacy. I don’t know if I will ever be free from this need for approval – if I’ll ever be able to approve of myself REGARDLESS of any opinion other than my own. I don’t even know where to start.

My original PostSecret was, “I’m beautiful”, but I don’t think that’s the way to go. It should probably be, “It doesn’t matter if I’m beautiful or not”. ACCEPTANCE is a tricky subject. If I truly love myself for who I am, will I stop trying to improve myself and stagnate?

I once decided that my supreme goal and purpose in life is to be the best I can be, to live the best life I can live. That’s very open to variation though. My standard of BEST can change enormously. I think my overall goal should probably just be “To Be Happy”. I guess if I’m truly happy, then I can’t be going too far wrong.

And on that topic: I love you. I am clueless as to who, what, or where I’ll be in ten years time, but it seems perfectly acceptable to think I’ll still be as ridiculously in love with you, as ecstatically happy to be with you. You electrify my life. And I am delighted that, for right now at least, I get to share this little adventure with you, my darling =) <3 Xxx”