Nightmare

Thump Thump

My back
to your front
My body
in your arms
I feel
our chests pressed
The rise and fall
of every breath
Your soft skin
its warm touch
Our hearts beating
in time
as one
Thump thump


Mr. Tall almost always falls asleep before I do. I know by his twitches; only little ones, just enough to prevent me from falling asleep too, to jolt me out of my semi-sleeping state. Sometimes when he’s dreaming though he’ll shake enough to wake me up, and he squeezes me too. Altogether a scary position to wake up in, being shaken in a vice-grip, but I ignore these occasional instances because there is no better way to fall asleep than in his arms. I feel so safe, so warm, so loved, so comfortable, so secure, and so close to him.

Last Saturday night we were lying spooned on the couch together, and after a few of those tell-tale twitches I knew he‘d nodded off. In the silence I lay there feeling his heart beat, almost as if it was in my own chest. I’m not sure if our hearts really were beating in time, but the idea came to me that they were, and the poem followed. I slowly and cautiously slid out from under his grip and sat on the floor next to the couch with my laptop, typing out the poem, and Mr. Tall started twitching again, but far more noticeably. I reached out and rubbed my hand on his back. I assumed he’d woken himself up and was talking to him to try and soothe him, since he was clearly having a nightmare. He didn’t respond but he’d stopped moving. I went over to his head and crouched down so my face was in front of his. I called his name and kissed his cheek but his eyes stayed closed. So I went back to the laptop and continued to type, and again he continued to twitch, gradually more violently. He started letting out little shouts. I stopped and was looking at him, his whole body shuddering and him making these noises, when he began to tumble over the edge and crash to the floor. I lunged and caught him just before he hit the ground. His feet still came down and knocked over a glass of apple juice with a loud clatter. I pushed him back up onto the couch and sat next to him, and he clutched onto me, curling up with his head on my chest, tears streaming down his face.

I was shocked that he was so distressed, and it took a few minutes before he could stop crying long enough to explain what had him so terrified. He’d dreamt that he was in the dark, and he could hear me screaming. I was calling out to him, calling for help, but there were people in the darkness grabbing at him, preventing him from getting to me. I think he thought that I was about to be killed. He kept saying, “I thought I’d lost you”.

There’s an undercurrent of Major Drama and Uncertainty in our relationship at the moment, that occasionally rises up and causes complete chaos. We’d spent a lot of that day trying to talk things out, and we were both feeling stressed, drained, and frustrated. That moment dragged me out of the shadows and reaffirmed my faith in us. I was overwhelmed by that reassurance, “His worst fear is losing you. He really does love you. Of course you’ll work through this. Of course you’ll get over this. Of course this is worth it.” Being there for him that night, lying with my head on his chest and whispering our goodnights and I love yous and sweet dreams, everything making sense again, was the best feeling I’ve had in a long time. I knew who I was and what I was doing, and I was content. I finally fell asleep too, smiling.